i've got a whole chicken. now what do i do?

i dunno about anyone else, but i hate buying cut up chickens.  i don't care how organic they say they are.  

i hate them cuz i can't stand the thought of eating lots of parts of different chickens.  sure, i'll buy MORE than one chicken at a time.  but i'd rather hack it up on my own.  and really?  it's not as hard as you think.  plus it's almost always cheaper, unless you buy one of those crappy loss-leader sales at the grocery mart.  in which, they taste as great as the deal they sell for.  which is shiite.

there's a thousand and twelve things you can do with a chicken.  remember the old saying "a chicken in every pot"???  well, today, i have a chicken.  

and i have a pot.

a very NICE, NEW pot, if i must add.

just an aside, i have a penchant for STAUB, and i do have *ahem* a few products of theirs.  but i REALLY didn't want to spend THREE HUNDRED dollars PLUS on a nice new 7 quart RED enameled dutch oven, no matter HOW much i less than three it.

so i bought the "LOJHE"  yah yah.  i know, it's LODGE.  but it sounds so much more fancy when you call it by it's proper french name, donnahey?

for 59.95 americanos, i've got my own self the exact replica of the 7 quart red enameled STAUB, 

minus the red enamel.

plus, it's already seasoned.

so, back to my chicken...

yah.  it's a chicken.  and NO, this isn't actually the chicken i cooked today.  it's one of my chinese beauties - from the open air meat markets i frequented, but never purchased from.  they made for great pix, tho, dontcha think?

first, go turn on your oven.  preheat it to 275F.  pretty low, yah?  well this is a low and slow cook.

then, go grab some veggies.  the holy trinity (except there's four here - yes, i can count).  

roughly chop them up.  go easy on yourself, they'll get all mushy in the pot and no one will know that your veggies aren't all uniformly cut.

then throw them in the pot w/ a little olive oil and stir it around on a medium high heat for a few minuettes.

then add your chicken and a bay leaf or two.  here's where you might want to season your chicken.  use whatever you have in your kitchen.  salt and pepper are a must.  but i added some celery seed (if you make bloody mary's you probably have some celery SALT - use that, then just cut down on the regular salt you put on!  see?  no stress!)

i also sprinkled a little tumeric (for color) and a bit of paprika.

but that's it.  NOTHING FANCY!!

quick, if you forgot, go turn on your oven!  275F is all you need!  shouldn't take too long to heat up.

add a cup or two of liquid.  water, white wine, red wine, chicken stock - the sky's the limit here!

and put the whole mess in the oven.

here's how it looks after an hour.

at this point, you can throw in extra carrots or other veggies.  they'll just steam up in the liquid.  you don't have to do ANYTHING to this.  you don't even need to take it out of the oven to take a picture, like i did.  just trust in the LOHJE!

and here's how it looks after two and a half:

DONE.

veggies are mushed.  chicken is falling apart.  skin is actually still crispy!  now go and make yourself some sides.  perhaps this calls for some mashed cauliflower and roasted carrots.  or maybe a baked sweet potato.

yum...

DUTCH OVEN ROASTED CHICKEN

1 5-6 lb whole chicken

2 onions

2-3 carrots

2-3 stalks celery

4-5 cloves garlic

seasonings (celery seed, paprika, tumeric)

salt & pepper to taste

1-2 cups liquid (water, chicken stock, red/white wine)

preheat oven to 275F

roughly chop vegetables and saute in olive oil for 5-ish minutes.  season chicken w/ olive oil, celery seed, paprika and turmeric.  add chicken breast side up.  cover.  cook in 275F oven for approximately 2.5 hours. you can raise the temp to 300F if you want chicken done a little quicker, but then check for internal temp of 165F after 1.5 hours.

Sort-of-Sicilian Pesto

what's with the Sicilian of the Sort-of Sicilian Pesto?  Well it's actually more of a Trapenese pesto.  and really, all this means is that instead of a shit ton of basil and cheese, you use more tomato.  and almonds.  sicilians like the almonds.  but, as in all recipes, one tweaks and tweaks, until the original is but a whisper of a dream.  in this case, of old, dead, Sicilians. 

still tastes great, though.

i've got tons and tons of tomatoes in the garden.  most of them are still in the unripened stage (it's SEPTEMBER, WTF??!!?)

but i most certainly have a butt ton of those teeny tiny red and gold cherry sized ones. 

and the yellow ones?  taste like CANDY.

so, while i wait for the not-so EARLY girls and the less-than BETTER boys, and everything in between to ripen (yes, i'm talkin' to YOU, tomatillos!!), i'm going to share what i've been up w/ with those smallish ones by making a cheese-less pesto.  good on just about anything.

just start with your garden!

oops, so there WERE a few big tomatoes in there.  but i'll just put them aside for something special.  what i want are THESE:

and the less than perfect basil.  unfortunately, the basil is looking rather long in the tooth, but since it's just going in a pesto, it's perfectly fine for what it's purpose is.

it's always a good idea to run it through one of these things, though.  this salad spinner must be at least 15 yrs old.  but it still does the job.  so i keep it around...

i guess you can put the veggies aside for a moment, so we can get started on toasting the almonds.  you'll need about a cup of sliced or slivered almonds (the shape doesn't really matter - it all gets zotzed up eventually).  we going to toast them.  slowly.  over a medium heat (if you were more accomplished, you'd do it over a medium high or high heat, but we're just playing w/ fire here, right?)

from raw to medium

from medium to - WHOA, that was fast!

(see, i told you to keep it on medium heat - when they turn, they turn quickly).  

you'll know when they are JUST about done when you start SMELLING the toastiness of the nuts (the nuttiess of the nuts???)

ok, now take them OFF the heat, OUT of the pan, and onto a large dinner plate so they can cool off without cooking more.  you'd be surprised what a little bit of residual heat can do to nuts.

time to grab your WHOLE HEAD of garlic!

and peel it all. 

add about a 1/2 cup of olive oil to the bottom of your saute pan.  when the olive oil is heated, add the garlic 

and cook till it looks like this:  (you can use medium high heat here.)

now add the tomatoes (at least one pint) to the garlic.

you may want to use a splatter guard.  sometimes these buggers pop like all git-out.

some say this is finished, because the tomatoes have popped.  i agree.

but this time i let it go a bit longer, because the tomato flavor deepens the longer it steeps and cooks.  and this time, that is what i was looking for. so i took it off the heat when it looked like this:

When the tomatoes look mushy and smell good, drain off most of the oil to save for later. you may have to use it to thin out your pesto later.

put the tomato garlic mixture in the food processor.

and add the basil and cooled almonds.  

zotz it all up with a good handful of salt and ground pepper.  if it's too thick, add a few tablespoons of the tomato oil mixture you were saving.  and zotz it up again.

again, since i don't always like playing by the rules, i also picked some oregano and thyme from the garden and tossed that into the mix - as well good few shakes of crushed red pepper flakes.  as you can see, i also used an ENTIRE head of garlic (the garlic cooks up quite mellow, so it's not very strong at the end.

so, what do i DO with this, you say?  

serve it over roasted vegetables, grilled meats, fake veggie pasta! 

spread it on your paleo buns as part of your lunch sandwich!

dip your flax seed crackers into it! 

it's versatile!  

and it's delish!!

Mangiare, Mangiare!!

Sicilian Pesto (sort of)

1 pint cherry tomatoes
1 cup basil leaves (packed)
1/2 cup toasted sliced almonds
4-5 cloves garlic
1/2 cup olive oil
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
salt and pepper to taste

Toast the almonds in a dry skillet until fragrant and browned.  Remove from heat and cool completely.  Add olive oil to pan and add garlic cloves.  Cook till garlic bubbles and blisters.  Add tomatoes and cook till tomatoes have popped from their skins.

Remove from heat.  Drain most olive oil from tomato garlic mixture.  Add tomatoes, basil, almonds to food processor and pulse blend till smooth, adding additional reserved tomato oil if needed to balance out thickness.  Add salt and pepper to taste.  Store in fridge for one week.

you ain't a thang if you aint got that... crunch?

yep, it's time for 

FLAX CRACKERS!!!

ok, i've been playing around w/ flax this weekend.  i've made many MANY batches. we were all in desperate need of a savory, salty crunch.

so i went out and bought the various flax crackers in the shops and at the farmer's market stands.

NOT.
CHEAP.

 and i figured out that it's really a lot more simple than those folks make you believe.  also, it costs you about as much to prepare as buying a bag of crappy potato chips.

ready?

ok then.

start with this:

i made two different batches this weekend, playing with textures n'all.  one, i only used WHOLE flax seed.  the other, i used 2/3 - 1/3 proportions.

to both, though, i added about a 1/4 cup of these:

and a 1/4 cup of these:

i also added some sunflower seeds to the 2nd batch, just to play around a bit.

so anywayze, all you REALLY have to do is put about a cup of the flax seed (or flax seed/flax meal) mixture into a mixing bowl, and add enough water to cover the mess by about a half an inch.

let it soak for 20 minutes or so, then stir around the goop and add some flavor.

i added some dehydrated vegetables, onions, garlic powder, cumin, paprika, and cayenne.

oh.  and a little bit of salt.

you don't need it, but you might want a TBSP of olive oil in the mixture.  one i used IN the mix, the other i drizzled a little on the top before i sprinkled sea salt.  both ways turned out just grand.

so the whole goopy/gloopy mess pretty much looks like the above picture.  then just line a sheet pan w/ a piece of parchment paper and plop it on.

spread the mess out w/ a spatula till it's evenly distributed around the whole pan.  

at this point, you can score the gloopy mess w/ a butter knife or pizza cutter, or you can just bake it whole. 

i tend to lean more towards the rustic side, so i like to just leave it and break it into pieces after it's cooled.

pop it in a 350F oven for 30 minutes.  then TURN. OFF. THE. HEAT.

and let it sit in the oven for ONE MORE HOUR.

it should come out of the oven looking like this:

and here are the two different crackers we ended up with.  the ones on the left are the whole seeded ones.  and the ones on the right contain some flax meal as well.  

i'm not sure i have a preference.  the ground ones did have more of a "crackery" feel to them, though.

but i'll bet a bit of brie would be nice w/ either...

FLAX Crackers 

1 cup flax seed (whole seed)  or 2/3 cup whole seed and 1/3 cup meal

3/4 cup of water (or more)

1 TBSP olive oil (optional)

1 tsp salt

2-3 TBSP EACH chia seed, sesame seed

Optional seasonings:

• 1 tsp Cumin
• 1 tsp Paprika
• 1 tsp Garlic Powder
• 1 tsp Dehydrated Onion
• 2 tsp Dehydrated assorted vegetables
• 1/4 tsp Cayenne pepper

Preheat oven to 350F

Mix flax seed w/ water in mixing bowl.  Water should cover flax seed by at least 1/2 inch.  Add more water if needed.  Let sit at least 20 minutes, until goopy mass is formed.  Add olive oil, salt, additional seeds and seasonings.  Mix well.  Transfer to one or two parchment lined sheet pans and evenly spread mixture to sides.  At this point, you may want to sprinkle some sea salt over the top for a more salty cracker.

Place sheet pans in oven for 30 minutes.  Turn off oven and let pans sit in warm oven for an additional one hour.

Remove from oven, let cool, then break into cracker pieces.  Store in air tight container for as long as you can stand it.

all hail to the kale (chip)!

easy peasy.

this stuff doesn't even last an evening around our house.  and, if it did, the varkendaughter would steal the rest of it for her lunch the next day.

all you need is a pile of kale.  any kind.  this just happens to be the normal kind, a little long in the tooth, but perfect for baking.  if it were more green and pretty, i would massage it into a salad and eat it raw.  but, as it is, we're looking a little sad.  so snackland we go...

FIRST, preheat your oven.  325F should do.

so, anywayze...  one bunch of kale.  get rid of the tough stems in the middle.  you can use a knife or just the pure brute force of your hands.

it should look something like this:

and then you should end up with a pile of something like this: 

and another pile of something like this:

now throw that first pile into this:

(yes, it's a compost bucket, if you haven't seen one before.  and those little white things beside it?  those are eggshells from lunch)

ok, then.  now throw the useable kale into a mixing bowl and drizzle a TBSP or TWO of EVOO (yah, a shout-out to my most-hated NONchef, whatsername).  you don't have to go full 365, TJ's has some perfectly acceptable extra virgin olive oil, too.  this was just on sale (miraculously).

and a tsp or TWO of this (we like a lot of it in our house).

no, of course, i didn't buy this here.  it's a Slovak original.  but i keep filling the jar and keep it in the spice shelf, just to keep the natives on their toes...

(pssssst, it's GARLIC)

oh.  and don't forget a handful of kosher salt and a few turns of the pepper grinder.

then toss it all on to a baking sheet (or two - you don't want the mixture to be too crowded, or it won't crisp up properly).

time to pop it in the 325F oven (you did remember to preheat, right???).  it should look like this after 10 minutes:

now switch the pans around.  (top goes to bottom, bottom goes to top).  you have to do this in my oven, or the top sheet pan burns well before the bottom sheet pan even starts.

it should look like this after 20:

if it does, take it out.  otherwise, turn off your oven and let it sit for JUST A FEW MINUTES.  many a kale chip has gone from under to over in an oven in the OFF position for me...

and watch out for small children.  they often sneak in to destroy dinner before you have a chance to offload the kale chips from the pan!!

Kale Chips

1 head Kale

1 or 2 TBSP olive oil

1 tsp granulated garlic

salt and pepper to taste

Separate kale from stems, roughly chop, then mix w/ olive oil and seasonings.

Divide evenly onto two baking sheets and bake in 325F oven for approximately 20 minutes, switching sheetpan placement after 10.

Let cool.  Store in papertowel lined storage container, if they last that long.

paleo bread - easier than you think!!

oh my gawd.  i had no idea this stuff was so easy to make.  and i haven't messed up ONCE!!

looks pretty good, right?  allrighty then. no reason to pay bazillions for your bread fix when it literally takes but 10 minutes of your time (and less than an hour in the oven)!

first off, get thee to a food scale!!  they can be relatively cheap, but when you bake shiite, you really can't rely on teaspoons and cups. 

here's what you need.  

the harder stuff to find is the psyllium husk.  our local Outpost has the following:

since i already own a cannister of the whole version of colon blow, i'll just go w/ what i have.  you can buy the powdered kind.

like i said, 45 grams.  weigh it out first.

then, if you need to, throw it in your spice/coffee grinder (yah, you might want to clean it out first).

and give it a good grind for 5-10 seconds.

throw that in your mixing bowl

then measure out the almond flour the same way.  

142 grams (or about 1.5 cups). 

i used blanched almond flour for this.  

what the hell is BLANCHED almond flour, you ask?  well, um, it's basically just throwing the almonds with their skins on in boiling water for a few seconds in order to loosen their skins.  then they take them out (before they get cooked) and rub off the skins so that when they grind it down into flour/meal, you don't get all those brown bits in with the nice light almond color.  if you don't mind the almond skin bits, by all means, pick up a bag of on unbleached!

so, back on track... 

in the mixing bowl it goes, along w/ the baking powder and the salt. 

mix up the dry, then add the eggs and vinegar.

mix well.

then add your boiling water.

and mix again.

form into 5 bun sized disks (or 4 or 6 - depending upon what you want to eat them with)

and stick them in a 350F oven for 40-45 minutes.  

ok, i forgot to take pictures of the BEFORE.  but...

they should look like this when they're done.

the ones on the bottom were made w/ leftover tomato dill soup (that i made the varkenkidlets the night before).  i used the same amount of boiling liquid, just watered down the leftover soup a bit.  turned out pretty much the same texture. 

and, yes, i know i said it makes 5 buns, and five are perfect for a good sized deli sandwich.  wanted smaller buns for soup.  and the 4 bun size?  well, the varkenhusband wanted burgers.  so i made them bigger.   

Basic Paleo Bread/Buns

makes 5 buns (or 4 or 6)

142 grams almond flour (about 1.5 cups)
45 grams psyllium husk (about 5 TBSP) GROUND
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt (Celtic sea salt is the preference of paleo nuts)
2.5 TBSP apple cider vinegar
3 egg whites (i've used both large and xtra large w/ comparable results)
1 cup - 2TBSP BOILING water (7 oz)

Preheat oven to 350F.  Mix dry ingredients together in medium sized mixing bowl (almond flour, psyllium husk, baking powder, salt).  In a separate bowl, mix the egg whites and vinegar.  Mix in w/ dry ingredients until stiff dough is formed.  Add boiling water (the dough will puff up a bit).  Mix until no more lumps are visible.  The dough will get stiff again.

Separate dough into 5 portions (or 4 or 6).  Place on baking sheet (either on Silpat or parchment paper OR greased pan) and bake for 40-45 minutes.

Remove from oven and let cool completely.